i’ve had them for six months now. i’m under a rain cloud of morphine and new fashioned nerve tonics. i tell myself it will be worth it when they find out what is wrong with me. so far, electric shock nor radiation can give a face to my solid and constant pain disorder. many nice palliative treatments have also failed. i can’t even stand a massage most of the time.
imagine that someone was burning your nerve endings at irregular intervals for no apparent reason. really, imagine it. they’re talking about actually doing that to me as a treatment now. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhizotomy
i’m sure i’ve missed a few updates here as it has all unfolded and i’ve little strength to repeat it, but i did want to explain that the biggest reason for my lack of activity is that i cannot sit for more than 5 minutes at a time most days and i have an old desktop computer and what feels like a cinder block for a chair. the smallest reason is that he has launched more and more vile epithets about my work here (that he claims to have never read) lately than i can really tolerate on a good day. there just aren’t many good days. and.. well.. you know..
phantoms so wild and shaking, so hard
that i think i’m breaking under a weight that’s too big to swallow
so for wallowing’s sake i’ll think of a grave so pitifully shallow.
because my sick is just to much sorrow. my blank grave mark’s for you’re tomorrow.
it wouldn’t do good to beg any comfort when it’s borrowed.